Being and Nothingness

There was a glow in her eyes as she walked by. I noticed as I ran along other pedestrians to look at her pretty eyes. The sky was a murky shade of blue and safron. The sun cast a amiable shade on to her, blending her into the dusk. . She was so beautiful. I had a feeling that even the sun liked her, as I walked on in the warmth of her shadow.

There was a sudden screech that blurred the sanctity of this perfect world. We fell to a corner of the street. It had been a hit and run...When my eyes slid into focus I noticed her walking away. People huddled around and I lost sight of her amongst the milling crowd.

I didn't know who she was… We were just two strangers at the crossing, together for a small window of coincidence. I couldn't let her go, for I might never meet her again. I ran up to her. There was grime on her face and her shoulder where she had fallen,  but she didn't seem to bother. Ambulances blared behind us, as they carried the hurt one’s to the nearby hospital. Apparently a motorist hadn't managed to stop at the right time.

“That was close”, I said to her, trying to spark up a conversation. It was cold and her face seemed pale. There were tears in her eyes, returning the color to her face, as they rode down her cheeks. She didn't say anything but sadly looked at the ground and walked on. She sat down on one of the benches in a nearby park, wiping her face in a velvetish cloth that she took from her bag. I sat down beside her but she ignored me, occasionally only looking at me when I was looking away. I knew this close accident had taken a toll on her, she needed her time.

I felt a strange connection, like I had known her for years in a past life or something, like my life had been blessed with her tender smiles all along. We went around the whole city, passing by shops doing window shopping, dodging people rushing along in their busy lives. It was cold, but we went to the sea shore. I sat beside the rocks while she threw stones at the sea, as if she was angry at it. After a while, I could tell she was tired. I gently held her hand as we walked back. I was glad she didn't mind.

It was late and time for her to go home and I had to be on my way too. I walked her to her place. She didn't say goodbye, she didn't smile. The door simply crashed against its frame and locks clicked into place. I sat outside her home on the staircase for a while, commemorating the moments of the day. I made plans on a conversation that I would have with her over coffee. There was a coffee shop just across the street. It was still open at this time of the night. 

The smell was welcoming. I didn't feel like having a coffee at this time, but sitting in the café thinking about her suddenly became my personal favorite. I was in love, I could feel it in my heartbeat. The lights in her room went off, I could see from the other corner of the street. I decided to go home and get some sleep.

The streets were almost empty at this hour. The moon shown its might against the dark asphalt as I hummed to myself on my way home. I noticed that the first editions of the early morning news paper were already out. I stood by the truck where they were unloading the stacks to a retailer. The front page held the news about the accident. The speeding motorist had crashed into the pedestrians. Several people were killed which included a young lady who had not been identified yet. It was weird that I didn't remember much about the accident, I had been too keen on following her.

I fell asleep on the couch almost as soon as I got home. When I woke up, it was almost afternoon. I rushed through the routine and grabbed something to wear from my wardrobe. Running all the way to her street and picking up flowers from a nearby store, I stood by the café waiting to cross to the other side. Nobody answered her door. I felt sad and angry at myself for being late.

A little while later, the door clicked. Someone elderly opened the door. His stern bloodshot eyes stared enquiringly "Hello", he said. I didn't even have her name to ask. “Sorry. I must have got the wrong door”, I blurted abruptly and left the building. Desperation seemed to seize me. I had to go back. I wanted to see her but I decided to come back in later.

 I sat at a table in the café, blankly staring at the newspaper. Something caught my eye. I turned to the page having the detailed report. Time seemed to have slowed down for me… Everything in the coffee shop seemed to pause, blurring out like being caught in a trance…

I was looking into her eyes as she walked by. The sky was a murky shade of blue and saffron  There was a glow in her eyes. She winked at the little children returning from school, she smiled at a little baby perching its face on its mother’s shoulder. Her hair swayed like a sweet lullaby, her slender arms cradled her little bag…

There was a screech, there was screaming and people crying. When my eyes slid into focus, I was on the ground and she was beside me, tending to me. There was a sharp pain in my head and my ears were ringing.  She tried to say something, I could see her lips but couldn't make out her voice, tears streaming from her pretty eyes. I held her hand but everything slid out of focus and I remembered no more…

The coffee shop suddenly slid back into my eyes. She was there, coincidentally sitting at my table in front of me, plaintively staring at the newspaper. The report held my name in the list of the demised… Her eyes were brimming with tears, as she gently wiped them in her velvet handkerchief. Her eyes lashes glistened as she closed her eyes, trying to steady herself.

She had finished her coffee and now got up to leave. I didn't try to say anything for I knew I wouldn't be heard. She couldn't see me or even know that I existed. I picked up the velvet cloth that she had left on the table. It held her sweet fragrance, moist with her tears.

The door opened and she disappeared into the blinding light ahead... 

I Waited...

I just wanted you to know that I waited...

I walked on to where we were once, as children, where the pearls of rain trapped in a cobweb was once beautiful to us; where the flowers tickled us as we walked beside them; where our footsteps echoed in the undergrowth... The reminisce of our little tree house was still there. You would always hide your favorite things in there, like pieces of metal and stones, like your little toe ring... I searched but didn't find anything but a silver spoon you had taken from my house... I always knew you had it, but you fought with me saying you didn't...

I went over to where you had your first fall. I still remember how you had cried over your hurt little finger. You wouldn't let me see it. You just cried...  The trees seemed to echo your sadness, the leaves whispered in unison to the wind, the day had suddenly seemed hot, flowers drooping as you wept...

I took you back home that day, as you clung to my back like my favorite school bag. You plucked flowers all along, occasionally bringing them close to my nose coz you found my sneezing to your amusement... We lay against the grass, looking up at the bright skies. And I promised you that someday I would come at night and take you to the terrace to see the stars...

I remember how we stood by the well at your house and threw stones into it, assuming it to be a wishing well and stones as coins. I remember how your mom chased us all around the house and how you got spanked and I cried for it...

I remember how you came home to hug me before you left; to somewhere below these hills and over the seas as dad explained to me that day. Years have passed and I don't know where you are. I only have a reminisce of your face and the smile you would give me with your half broken baby teeth.

I just wanted you to know that I waited... I waited every night on the terrace to show you the stars, I waited to grow bigger so that we didn't need a ladder to get up on the tree house. I waited so we would sit by the paddy fields and play. I waited for you to come home like you said you would...

I just wanted you to know that I'm still waiting...

Jaded

The shadows were vibrantly aghast, 

Latched together like tones of her voice,
Pacing in this lovely contrast,
Loud and jubilant, sweet and soft apart,
Yet painfully caught, they, in the chambers of my heart.

Striving yet, subdued beneath this emotion,
Dreams and love, curving like the ocean
Ponder I, How may I explain to thee,
How she shades my life with glee.

Ardently fought, yet love cannot be won,
“Nay”, life said, “not this one”.
Yet, wedged was I, in the spell of her smile,
Her touch, her arms and her hugs awhile.

Longed I, in this torment of hearts, shades of loneliness;
Like no other; would one covet to lose his way?
There was I, in this tint of jadedness,
To lose myself in her heart, but nay…

Memories drifted like a cloud’s blessed rain,
Golden, like beads of perspiration on her lip;
But caved in, those beautiful walls, and dreams broken again,
I realized, this was a one way trip…

Loved I, her smile, her giggles and even a plaintive note;
Beguiled in memories, in a life that someone else wrote…
In her gestures, emotions, tantrums and care,
Wandered I, with this love, lost unaware.

Rain

She loved to stand in the balcony of their flat. “It was a perfect blend of the view of nature and the modern world” she’d say to him. They were seventeen floors up in the sky and the street and cars below looked like toys. She would stay there every evening, looking out into the sunset. She could see the beach from here, people and children moving around like tiny ants and the tired and thirsty sun drowning itself into the depths of the sea. She would occasionally make sounds like “vrooomm vrooomm” like a small child, saying she could reach out and grab those cars and roll them down the street...


She’d been married to him since a year. It was difficult being forced for marriage by her parents, when she was already in love with someone else. She felt stifled everyday of her life in the flat, lost in memories of her past. Her days faded to nothingness like the hot burning asphalt, floors beneath her flat. Her dreams were shattered. She knew he cared for her, that he’d do anything for her, but she felt captive now. She’d gone on to doing silly but crazy things, trying to regain her playful self. She’d go play with the little children in the beach, she’d get wet in the rain when everyone else ran for shelter, she’d stolen ice creams from the ice-cream guy on the beach because he always behaved rudely with children…And she’d even snatch things from people like she was crazy and make them run after her for fun.

He’d never scream at her for the complaints their neighbors had, for the entire racket she made. He loved her for she was the light of his life. He knew she was not happy with life. Her dreams and her career were taken from her. She loved him, he knew, but that was not enough. But she’d never give him a minute to talk to her. She would always be around with children or she would be engrossed in watching TV, she would not hear what he wanted to say. It’s just that she didn’t want to listen. It wasn’t his fault that her life was like this and she never wanted to hear him apologize for it.


He hugged her every night telling her he loved her so much. Somehow this love wasn’t reaching her. There was a line of pain in her heart that she could not cross. She would never look into his eyes. Her lips would seem unresponsive when he would kiss her. Though he knew she wouldn’t like it, he always wanted to give her a peck on her lips to tell her how much he loved her. He would carry her to the balcony every morning so that she could see the lovely sky and her favorite beach when she’d open her eyes. On some days, she would wake early, and yet wait for him to wake up so that he would carry her..


It was late in the evening, when he got home after work that day. She still stood in the balcony, leaning against the wall beside her and looking out into the sky. The cool breeze blew the curtains gently away from the door. Her hair drifted behind her, caressing itself in the breeze. The scent of the breeze accented the rain, and that of her hair was priceless. She hadn’t noticed that he had come in. She seemed to have been upset and crying. Her cheek glistened in the low light, with tears.

He inched close to her, putting his arms around her waist, hugging her from behind, resting his chin against her shoulder. She tried to smile, but couldn’t help sobbing. It started to rain and her sobs were drowned under the sound. He held her silently, closing his eyes and filling his heart with the smell of her hair. “I want to fly out into the sunset one day, free as a bird…” She said to him. He smiled, telling her that she will. He handed her a small envelope that had her name on it. “It means I’ll miss you for 3 years. Three years is a long time for me, but not for your dreams. Go on, open it”


She hadn’t quite understood what he meant. Opening the envelope she couldn’t believe her eyes. He’d got her admission for journalism in a renowned university. She turned around. Too weak to say anything, she looked into his eyes. She had never told him that she wanted a career in journalism. He smiled warmly at her like the welcome home smile he gave her on the day they were married.


“I just want you to be happy sweetheart. You just never told me what you needed.” He said in a whisper, half clear, half broken.


She hugged him tight, tears streaming from her eyes yet laughing because of the sudden weight that was lifted off her chest. “Carry me out into the rain”, she said. Holding her tight, he carried her out of the building. She looked into his eyes, noticing the love that he had for her. He stood on the pavement holding her in his arms. He couldn’t help laughing at the prospect of standing in an empty street, getting wet in the rain like little children. She knew he’d miss her and his tears now blended with the rain. She realized how she was prejudiced about freedom in married life and that she had never been happier like she was now. She looked into his eyes, telling him that she loved him… He could only gesture what he felt. The moon shown from amidst the clouds, as they sat on the pavement talking and quarrelling, making fun of each other, drenched in the rain…


Days passed by and he missed her. But every time he spoke to her on the phone, he felt happy. She had been out there chasing her dreams, living her life and that’s what he wanted. Her presence still lingered there. The pillow held the smell of her hair. The balcony seemed a lonely place to be without her, yet the curtains held her fragrance like she was a flower.


He stood there one late afternoon, looking at the sky. The colors began to waver. The wind seemed to howl as the waves hit higher against the rocks at the beach. He felt the essence of déjà vu, seeing everyone in the beach run for shelter and people quickening their steps on the street down below. The wind grew colder and it started to rain. He felt elated, tender, like the touch of her wet skin when he would embrace her. He missed her and the rain seemed to know he did. The lightning across the sky occasionally plunged him into light, like a reminder that she was there...


Closing his eyes, his lips curving into a smile, he whispered to himself… “She likes rain…”

Morbid Paradise

The breeze was exhilarating, the sky an envisioned blur of tranquility, like the next best thing to peace... The world was out of joint, silence hiding in the corners amongst caverns of darkness, waiting to pounce. Large swarms of steam rose from the sewers, like all of hell was beneath them. There were no zooming wonders in this world, that they called the paradise. Only that you spent the best years of your life, getting here.

Leaves crunched under my feet as I trod on, no one would hear the plea of the silent. People passed by, their faces a blur in the dusk, rather were they black hooded creatures and souls of aghast emptiness...  Yet busy, rather preoccupied, their shadows chased them along this race called life. The heat rose from the crevices on the road, like dark pain from scars, too deep to fathom.

No one complained. Trees swayed in the wind, embers of the sun extinguished in the heart of the ocean, a faint moon shown from amidst the clouds, cars screeched and honked and moved on, street lamps faintly glowed from the shades of motionless dust... No one complained. It did not matter that you were lost or if you didn't feel anything, for you had to imbibe the spirit of hollowness soon.

Lulled in a constant state of enchantment, they moved on, the crowd of hollow men in a world they called paradise. Ignorance practiced for a daily routine, stable yet, busy and engulfed in work life, bleak and desolate.

The wind blew along small bits of paper and fallen leaves at its mercy, luring them into vivid circles, thrashing them against walls or lifting them up and letting go. Little drops fell from the sky, shy like someone who has long forgotten to cry. The hooded creatures quickened their steps, the gravel rising from beneath their feet as they ran. Rain was a welcomed relief.

Large drops pelted upon the pain that always rose around me. It's embers caught in an ambush. Like the leaves that now spoke against the wind and refused to budge. Memories, I gripped them tight in this labyrinth. They let the shadows feel lighter, the scars fainter yet the darkness grew deeper.

Everything seemed perfect, as long shadows loomed in  life's limelight, the crevices in the road filled with the blackness of the night... The city hungered for life and yet lifelessness would suffice, for the souls, lost in this morbid paradise...

With Her....

She smiled a couple of times in her sleep. Though her eyes were wet, her beautiful eye lashes twinkling in the low lit room. The room was unusually warm when she was there. Garlands of time loomed large ahead; we had this whole night together. We had moved around the city on New Year’s Eve, walking hand in hand… The winter chill could not dull our hearts of warmth. Every time I looked into her eyes, it was like falling in love all over again. We sang songs, we didn’t know the lyrics, but the words always fell into place when we were together. There was love in the air too, a faint drizzle accenting the winter night frenzy.

Couples zoomed past us. Everyone rushed to clubs and discotheque’s to welcome the New Year. We sat by the beach, mesmerized by the sound of the crashing waves. Somehow, even the sea was in celebration. The moon shown its melancholy shade and stars winked at us. A disjoint cluster of light in the sky had added meaning to our lives. Nature had been so beautiful, like her, like her eyes. We could hear voices from the distance. Children laughing and dancing, mom’s warning their kids not to go to the sea, the occasional cry of a seabird; blending into the occasional silence.

We lay silent, neither of us had anything to say. I turned toward her, slowly pulling her into a heart -warming embrace. There were only a few minutes to midnight. She was my life. I wanted to be with her, today and every day of every year in every life I had in this world. I put hand beneath her coat. She gave me a nudge trying to tell me we were outside and people could see us. Moving my hand around her waist, I slowly reached into her breast-pocket, taking something I had put in there. She couldn’t help blushing in glee and surprise when she saw the ring, she hadn’t known that I had slipped it in there when I hugged her.

Smiling warmly into her eyes, I asked her, “My princess, will you marry me?” Her cheeks had rushed to crimson red, her eyes were a swell of emotions. She couldn’t say anything. She swallowed, trying to take a deep breath. Tears glistened along her face, but her smile was there. “I will” She whispered. I slowly slipped the ring onto her finger. A million firecrackers burst from a distance, sending flairs into the sky. Like mini rockets zooming up in the sky, they lingered but for a minute or so, yet their colors so vibrant, like her heart that was ready to break its chamber and be with me. It was like the whole world was celebrating us. We hugged, kissed and lay down in each other arms, watching the fireworks, deep embossed in the sky was a “HAPPY NEW YEAR 2012” etched in golden and shades of violet and blue. This was our moment, this was our life.

                The blaring music from far away seemed to subside after an hour. The beach was restored to its quietness. It had been late, we had to go home. I held her hand as we walked back. There were still people on the streets bursting firecrackers and dancing to their own songs. They all screamed New Year wishes to the passersby…

                We were home. I kept playing with her as she sat by the computer, reading email wishes and replying to everyone. I carried her to bed when she was done, kissing her lips. We lay in each other’s arms, telling each other how special the day was. Unknowingly, we fell asleep. The room was unusually warm when she was there. But only I knew, it was just the warmth in my heart, when I thought of her. She wasn’t beside me, but I could feel her, her arms wrapped around me, her soft breathing against my face, her innocent occasional smiles. She was mine for a life-time, but eternity was like just an hour with her. Could I bargain for more time someday, I didn’t know. Would I lose the light of my life someday, I didn’t know. But I was lost, lost in this dreamy world called love.

                I woke to a knock at the door. What was so clear in the dream didn’t make sense anymore. It was New Year’s morning. The room was cold. But she’d kept me warm all night. She’d held me all night. She’d been there. Hadn’t she…?