The Predicament...

I've pondered long for how this write up should be. Give it a third person perspective and I could express more. But I guess I have to be myself for this once. Life's been a race and sometimes you have to wear a mask. It's not to prevent yourself from getting hurt. Its coz you dont want anyone to see you, or you dont wanna open it up and look yourself in the face. Coz you know you're living just a big lie. You can't accept the fact that you are stuck, knowingly or otherwise...

Happiness is a moving target, maybe coz you have seen and lost something greater in the past, or probably you were so content with it, that you can never let go and accept anything else. It was her. I know I may have mentioned, and may have bored people with the story. But this is my story, I cant get tired of it.

I had once read a forward text on my cell phone. Love just happens once and everything else you feel is your mind trying to get that old love again. You look for her in others eyes. You look for her in the broken bits and pieces in the shackles she has left you in. I'm not saying that you can't move on. I have, in fact. Like another million dreams that have been persuaded to be pushed down in the gutters of the mind, she lays there. But its just that she has a voice. She has a temper. She still loves you... All in the depths of your mind. She taunts you and life becomes a surreal reflection of the past. Every moment of life reminds you of her, like a bad replay.

Sometimes when I walk to faintly lit rooms of my house, I can find her waiting for me. I touch her hand and she's gone. I have a long list of friends, most of them who are really close. I talk to them, accept them for what they are and support them whenever they need me. And I never hurt their feelings. I get a lot of love and attention from my female friends. Probably coz of what I am to them. But sometimes I feel, I'm just filling up the emptiness in me. Getting some love and attention from lots of people, and searching my lost soul in it. At least my soul glimmers in the happiness of the others around me. When I love again, I search for her, for the words, the kindness and everything I got from her. Its nice to cower behind something and try to be someone your not. At least life is a fantasy and you're a third person to everything, u can think, postpone, come back to things as and when you want. Further more, dreams and fantasies are beautiful places to live in.

 It becomes a memory that I simply cant change. A set of dreams in this labyrinth that I entered once and have been forbidden not to leave. Sometimes I feel that its just me,  I cant leave coz i dont want to.It is one of those things even I cant do anything about.

Simply coz I wish to and another side of me, wishes not to. I feel hollow sometimes, wondering who or what I am.

Maybe just a mere memory, who's soul has long ago ceased to exist...