I'm home...

The music was blaring away from my speakers. It could no longer be called music. It was noise. The beat seemed to mercilessly batter the walls. My heart bet along as fast as it could, matching the beat. For anyone outside, it made no sense. It could drive them mad, make them lose themselves. It wasn’t something I had heard before, but it made sense to me. Somehow, life was a similar noise sometimes…

The road killed behind me, my past still lingered for me to embrace it and get drowned in it. My eyes closed and the music silenced away. Images passed by my mind, like a dairy of a million pages embedded with memories, photos, tragic moments, pain, happiness, love, lust, weakness and a million other emotions. It reminded me of times I’d cried out for a bit of kindness but the world had turned its face away from me. The sleepless nights on the way to my destiny. The times that I have been backstabbed and still had to wear a smile on my face… I have been mocked, had people talking behind my back, have been humiliated and yet had to walk back in the next day. And many were those days when you felt you had everything but lost it the last moment… The times when people you loved so much simply had to leave… Most people I meet seem to want to find a way to use me, hurt me and throw me away… Why was I this way? Why was life this way? Why was it this endless? Why was it like living a nightmare…? My eyes were tired. Couldn’t keep them open anymore...

“Life doesn’t suck…” My love had told me a year ago…  Whenever I think of her, I smile. Like a mirage in a desert of nothingness…  She’d taught me, a lot of believing in life, in the short time that we were together. She was the happiest part of me, I’d never told her. And the day she left, she told me to move on. But I couldn’t. No… I just wouldn’t. I wanted to enjoy every moment of it again in my mind, like a tape on replay every time it got over. For if love is true and the its truth lied in having to let go, coz she had to go, then what sense would it make if I just moved on and forgot about it in just few days. Whatever we had was beautiful, I wanted it to stay beautiful for a while, but not forever and not be drowned in it…

                There was a sense of gloom that settled in me, probably coz I was resting, doing nothing else, and having nothing else to think about after a long time. There were no running around, no mixed emotions, no strenuous journeys, just my soft bed and me. I couldn’t hear the music anymore, even though it still blared into the room. Coz life was a similar noise sometimes, but I always found a meaning.  I felt a certain sense of weightlessness, a sense of tiredness in my feet, a sense of heaviness of heart. There was a sweet scent in my room that reminded me of someone special. I embraced it.

Life never was a losing battle. Life doesn’t suck.. (Like she had taught me)…  Nothing of it may makes sense at one point, but don’t let go… When I think of it now, looking back, the days were a blur. Some stand out as clear memories to cherish. Some were days of victorious battles and some of disastrous defeats.

And an inner voice seemed to say, ‘there’s more from where that came from…’

True…  The battle has just begun…