Moving On...

Hey everyone... Thanks for visiting my blog and for all the support in the comments! I'm moving to a little personal space: www.vijayvm.com Hope to see you all there! Thanks!

Shadows in the Rain...

"Stay with me, don't fall asleep too soon" He whispered, wishing she'd hear him. The room plunged into silence as the song he was playing came to an end. In the distance, voices and laughter echoed from neighborhood homes...

Miles away... She was cold. Outside, the mercury was falling fast. She rummaged for some warmth within her soul, in its bits and pieces, for her heart was now just a muscle with an impulse and it seemed helpless against the cold. There was no sense of belonging about the home, just like all the men in her life, empty...  From those who eyed her to the one who bothered only about the disgrace from a called-off marriage rather than what she felt and then the guy who her dad pointed at; little too late had she realized that she should have said 'no' when she still had a chance. Down the line was a failed marriage, a fight and a miscarriage...  

The doorbell rang, disturbing her array of thoughts, her eyes sliding into focus from looking at the crevices in the ceiling. It was a package from work. She needed to get there. "Like they'd care if it’s a Sunday", she thought to herself. She stepped into the shower, closing her eyes and feeling the warmth of the water spread across her body. She wanted someone to hug her and simply tell her everything was alright. Nothing was wrong or just about everything was. She couldn't tell.

The office was empty, like she wanted it to be. The chair creaked as she dragged it to her table, punching in her password on her computer. Her cell phone held a few messages from people who complained about how disconnected she was. "Miss you" Oh she had seen that before from him. A friend who had been part of a past she couldn't forget. 'Lol' she wrote, not knowing what else to say. She didn't feel the need to acknowledge that he missed her. She knew how he felt about her. But she couldn't live up to anyone's expectations. "Thought you had slept", he replied. "Work. Work. Work" she replied.

Hours passed. The only sound was her typing furiously. "How long had she been there?" she wondered. Yawning and stretching, she sat back in her chair. She remembered a fine morning when he had called her first, referenced by a mutual friend. Weeks and months and they had connected well... She felt he was different. Someone who was far more respectable than most guys she had met in her life. But her fate had indeed been sealed before and there was no point bringing him into an equation of nothingness. Only discretely, he filled some void that fate seemed to always empty, but she felt safer denying to herself that he ever did. But without asking, he regarded her and remembered her for who she was...

The silence seemed overwhelming now. The ticking of the clock seemed like mini explosions to him. It was past midnight and he couldn't sleep. Cold air crept in from the gap under the main door. The scent of the earth accented rain. The lights turned off in each of the houses as he walked on, clad in a jacket, on a road seemingly stretched to eternity…

She thumbed down a cab to get to her home, drenched in the wait for one. The nasty weather seemed a good excuse for drivers to charge more. “To the subway then”, she sighed. Steam rose from the sewers in the street as if all of hell was beneath them. Streets seemed lifeless, devoid of its usual glamour in the mornings, now gaping at the crevices in the road filled with the blackness of the night.

The frozen steel handrail on the subway stairs gave her frostbite. She winced with pain as she inched closer to the ticket counter. Bleary eyed with the wind, she sat on the cold platform bench. The subway was almost empty this winter night, except some movement of the platform labors moving cargo and the coffee shop nearby that smelled wonderful. "Coffee!", she felt delighted. Someone quietly sat beside her at the corner of the bench, gazing at her. She felt weird. Despite her evident discomfort, the man continued to stare at her. She grabbed her purse and walked a little way closer to the station master’s cabin.

“You know, the streets are rough and you shouldn't be out this late at night on an empty station.” Someone said from behind her. She didn't have to turn. The voice was familiar. Not sure what to say, she remained silent. “5 Years, long time", he said. She turned around and tried to smile, her hair spreading behind her in the wind. “Yep. You look older than the pictures” she said. "Coffee?" he asked, holding out a cup. She took the cup almost immediately. The heat spread across her palm like the fog engulfing the winter night. She took a sip, the warmth was overwhelming, spreading into her with the sweetness of honey that she got lost for a moment. "Oh. I'm sorry, I..." She said, embarrassed that she didn't even ask about him. He smiled. 

The train arrived, hissing and bringing a gush of hot air into the station. She found this warmth a welcome relief. They got onto the train. He sat beside her, asking her about things, catching up with life in general. She preferred to respond briefly, looking outside from the window across them, at stations and at the tunnel they zoomed past. They remained silent till they reached the station.

They walked together. She had gotten rough, from everything life had to offer. And beauty sleep seemed a rare phenomenon these days. “So why is it you don’t reply to my messages? I tend to wait for your reply sometimes.” He asked, breaking the silence. “Don’t wait. Simple.” She remarked. He walked with her all the way home. “You've changed”, he said as she walked in and he stood at her doorway.

“Aren't you going to come in?” she asked, ignoring his earlier remark. He took off his shoes and walked in to the living room. She pressed the button on the kettle in the room, turning her back to him, engulfed in silence. “You know, I can’t be what everyone wants me to be.” She said, as if in an afterthought. “See, I don’t talk to you because I expect something from you. I talk to you because you are you and I love you the way you are... All I ever wanted was for you to be yourself with me, if I ever deserved it.” He said, calmly.

She walked into her room, sat down on her bed, staring down at the carpet. She didn't know who she was, amidst people who wished to customize her suiting to their needs. He stood at the doorway. “May I come in?” he asked. She remained silent. He looked into her eyes, holding her hands in his. You're cold" he said, rubbing her palms with his. "Don't. I can take care of myself. Thank you" She said, pulling her hands away...

He smiled. He put his arms around her, holding her close to him. Warmth spread into her as she could feel his heart against hers. Thawing the cold, her face seemed to return to its real color. His breathing seemed to tickle the hair at the back of her neck. She could feel it in the strength of his arms that he'd missed her... "Everything is going to be alright. I believe in you", he whispered in her ear. She closed her eyes. She felt the weight of her chest draining into his. She didn't know how long he had held her. There was a click of the kettle as the water boiled…

Gently kissing her cheek, he stood up to leave, assuring her that he'd be there if she needed anything. "You'll be around?" she asked, her words partly caught under her breath. "I never left", he said, smiling warmly. She watched through the window as he walked on, out into the rain. He hopped into the big puddles, splashing water like a little child. She wiped her window pane, clearing the fog that had settled on it. He then stopped and waved at her, little embarrassed about what she had seen him do. A tear glistened in her eyes and dried half way as it rolled down her cheek. "He likes rain", she remembered, smiling and waving back at him...

Where the Winds Call...

I've seen you watching the shadows with unseeing eyes, trying hard to sleep at night, awaiting the remnants of a half remembered dream...

Sometimes I watch the sweat trickle down your neck or your eye lashes twitching when you're asleep. Your eyes move beneath your eye lids and your lips are smiling. I've pondered this dream you've tried to explain to me but had I no time amidst my corporate tales. You breathed in when I brawled, like mother did, every time father would get angry at her when I was just a child. Like her, you created an ever growing space around you, absorbing all the negative energy.

You quietly slept when I pondered over your words, re-read them and rebuilt them in permutations. I peaked into your recollection about when you first fell in love with me. Then about how you felt that you were but a prisoner of that love. You wept while I reaped the happiness of your sacrifices. You cared for me while I was busy ignoring your silent pleas. You spared your dreams when I was locking you and pulling you along in mine...

I watched you shiver as your slender arms were wrapped around yourself in the cold. Had I hogged up the covers again? And I remembered the first time I held an umbrella all for you so you wont get wet on that rainy night you blushed and said "yes" to me...  I remembered the smile on your lips that had vanished over the years from being what everyone wanted you to be. I remembered how you loved the windows open at night but you'd learnt to leave it closed because I didn't want you to dream. I'd found my calling but I never realized how you'd left yours for me...

When I pulled every inch of you for myself, I've seen you watching the shadows with unseeing eyes, awaiting the remnants of that half remembered dream... I've pondered your dreams over and over again. I've tucked your hair behind your ears so I could see your smile. I've left the windows open tonight for I wanted you to think beyond me. I let the wind blow your hair like how you've always liked it. I wanted to remind myself that I didn't own you just because you were once a  dream come true.

I fell asleep, letting you go free because I loved you so and whatever I did, I did because I didn't know... When I woke up, the windows were closed. But you were smiling at me...

PREMONITION

He felt the plunge, but it was like gravity waited for him to see her. There she was, by the window, looking down with a sudden strain on her face. Her hair kept blowing over her face as her mouth curved into saying "NO". He couldn't hear her voice as he fell, the sound of the wind filling his ears, but he kept looking at her...  His heart pounded, time slowing down to each beat, tears rose from his eyes, lost in the stillness above as he fell... "Swear you'll always be with me?" he remembered asking her. He clenched his eye lids tight, reminiscing her voice, "Yeah I will"... He remembered no more.  

"No red lights for me today!", he exclaimed to himself as he ran a red light by the alley. He didn't know where he was going. His phone kept ringing. It was Ellie. He cranked the volume on the car audio to avoid her.  The blaring speakers drowned out the scream of a little girl across the street. The car tail lights lit up imminently, the screeching of the car as loud as his own heartbeat...

He sat down in his cabin, frowning at the long list of sticky posts that decorated his notice board. His colleague smiled at him. "They say you're the one who's going to be the next GM. So stow the belly ache will you now?"  He buried his head in his arms for a few seconds, listening to the silence, broken only by the occasional rustling of the air conditioner. "What if everything just went wrong at the last moment?", he thought... 

The phone rang at his apartment. Uncle Jim called in to mention about Aurora, his estranged sister. "She's decided that she's getting married." There was no expression across his face. Uncle Jim's words voice were like mini explosions in his ear, somewhere along the lines, he was only able to make out the explosions of syllables like P, T... 

The bouquet fell from his hands. His heart skipped a few beats.  Ellie's room wasn't spick and span as before. Her favorite flower vase lay on the ground, broken into a million pieces. Her roses had been stepped on, dead and lifeless. Curls of her hair lay on the floor. He felt the strong sense of foreboding as he walked in. He called out to her, feeling the rise of the hair at the back of his neck. There was no sign of forced entry. He heard her shouting at someone in her room. Quickening his steps, he grabbed a broken piece of furniture, inching closer to her door...

"Aurora, can you get me the ketchup please?" He yelled over the sound of the game on TV. "Come get it yourself", she yelled back from the kitchen. He sneaked up to the kitchen and picked her up in his arms as she laughed. "You're growing heavier each day, Dad would have been so proud baby girl!" he said to his 15 year old sister, seating her on the table to have dinner. "Can we watch anything more sensible than thugs running after an oval shaped ball?" She said, changing the channel...

The car crashed into a nearby coffee shop. He had turned to avoid the little girl on the street. Clutching his forehead, he stepped out of the car. He saw the little girl lying on the side of the road, blood leaving her body. Tears streaming from his eyes, he ran, as fast as he could, pushing and shoving until he was lost in the crowd...

There was something strange about office on Monday morning. Everyone seemed silent. The weekend hangover held an abominable lull across their faces. Dodging those mindless drones as they were zombies lost in apocalypse, he inched closer to his cabin. An increased state of nihilism seemed to engulf him, questioning his purpose in life. He thought of the things that they all did just to get by. They worked on things they'd never wanted to do, for dreams they did not have, for achieving the dreams of the people they did not like. Life had become so very mechanical... His cell phone trembled in his pocket and pronouncing "Ellie" shortly after. Though it brought a smile on his face, he couldn't answer her now. The notice board reminded him. 

"I love this place." Ellie said, looking gleeful as ever. They sat by the park near their college, watching the sun drown behind the tall buildings in the city. The park was over a hill which made people and cars on the road down below seem smaller, less noisier. She rested her head against his shoulder, looking up at the sky, breathing in the fresh air. "You know I'm glad I decided to join this school." She said quietly but loud enough for him to hear. "Why?" he asked. She snuggled under his arm. "I met the biggest mistake in my life!" She said, giggling... 

"You'll never have time for me." Aurora snapped angrily as she was leaving home. Over the years, he'd managed to get home only late after work. It was her big day with her future in-laws and he had agreed to show up for dinner with them, after work. His boss had called him at the last moment to finish an assignment. He couldn't excuse himself for even a call...

Ellie stood breathless at a corner of her room. Broken articles were scattered all over the floor. There were deep shadows under her eyes, dark violet scars lining her face and tears streaming like he had never seen before.  The other guy in the room with her tried to pounce on him before he could say anything. Swinging the piece of log in his hand, he pinned him to the wall. His arms shivered, anger gripping him as he struck harder while Ellie tried to stop him. Suddenly, he shuddered, losing his strength. "I've wanted to tell you... We've been close... I don't know why..." Ellie said,  between her sobs... He did not wait to hear. Broken pieces of glass crunched under his shoes as we ran out of the room, ignoring her...

"Congrats, you deserve this." The pretty lady in the red dress shook hands with him as she handed  over a token of appreciation from the company.  He felt elated, for all the hard work he had put in had finally paid off. He couldn't wait to meet Ellie. He picked up flowers from the flower shop below her apartment later that evening. Running up the stairs impatiently to give her a surprise, he used the spare key he had to enter the room... 

What had he done? What was going on? He kept asking himself. Tired and weak, his knees swayed as he climbed up the stairs to his apartment. Ellie's words were drowning him. "You never deserved anything" he could hear Aurora in the back of his head. He thought of the little girl's body on the street...  Ellie's car pulled in, in front of his apartment. The curtains of the balcony swayed behind him as he watched her walk into the building... 

He could hear her calling, she had reached his apartment hall. Her voice was lovely as always. Closing his eyes, he let himself go off the ledge. He felt the plunge, but it was like gravity waited for him to see her looking out of the window of his apartment hall. The ruffles of her hair spread over her face hiding the scars beneath her eyes. He did not feel anything as he fell. He felt only the softness of her arms around him... 
He opened his eyes to see himself on the floor. Aurora barged in the bedroom door, short of breath, inquiring "What was all that noise about?" "Did my big bro fall off his bed?" she added laughing.  He sat up, still dazed.  It was still early on Sunday morning... 

It was late afternoon when Ellie finally emerged from her apartment. She didn't seem to be her jittery self today, quiet & intent on listening to the song on the radio. He looked at her with concern written all over his face. He was nervous himself, checking if the ring he bought for her was still there in his coat pocket. They would always go to the park over the hill, near their college. This weekend had to be their special day. 

Just as he stopped at a red light, an elderly lady and a little girl crossed the road. The little girl smiled and waved at them. Ellie seemed to notice. "Does she know you?", She asked.  He pondered for a few seconds, remembering her from the dream. A sense of premonition seemed to cross his mind...

"Swear you'll always be with me?" He asked. Attempting to strike up a conversation with Ellie, while they were seated at their favorite spot in the park. She pondered for a few minutes. The strands of her hair exposing a half healed cut on her neck. 

Looking at him, she smiled...

Faith

"There's my life caught up in this labyrinth", I thought, complaining about my job and the town I stayed in. I was driving along a black highway, with rain tinkering away on the dust embossed car. The distinct rhythm of the windshield wipers was now a cliché, for rains were not rare these days. They waved in unison, dropping down with a little thud and rising together, trailing away the so-it-would-seem tears of the sky on the windshield.  

The tires echoed the screams of the gravel, the rain flawlessly preventing the dust from rising. The trees cast eerie shadows, now holding the rain only to let them drip in huge drops pounding on the car roof. There was nervousness in the air, the chill rising and fogging the view forward. Something appeared ahead of the windshield, I slammed the brakes as hard as I could. The airbag echoed like a mini explosion, louder than the bang that the car made against the road divider. Shreds of glass emanated  from the windshield as the rest of it formed a sort of clouded web, preventing them from falling. The engine came into a muffled & abrupt stop. I sat back for a few moments, aching at the chest and wiping blood off my brow, trying to steady myself. 

The car was wrecked and wouldn't start again, the engine shuddering off each time I cranked it. Stepping out into the rain, I looked ahead. The house was just a mile away. The 'Garners' lived there, years ago, until they all died mysteriously in a fire one night, much like this one. Grabbing my camera, a flashlight, voice recorder and a little notebook, I walked on close to the divider to avoid any oncoming traffic, but no one would probably come around here at this time of night. I punched in a message to my editor, who had wanted me to write this story of the Garners. This case was the first of its kind in my 3 year career as a reporter and I wasn't very willing but it would earn me the much needed reputation at this point. My cell phone returned an error saying "Unable to send text message", which was no surprise because there was no reception in this part of town. I felt a strong sense of foreboding, that this lone walk through the woods was probably going to be just one way... 

The Garners home was magnificent. The structure was still standing despite it being made of wood and the fire had eaten away most of it before the firefighters shun it down. I struggled to climb onto the compound wall which held lose stones, only to see the gate collapse off its hinges. The house still smelled of soot, suffocating, a sudden sense of fatigue coming over me. I walked on, almost falling over a giant log that crumbled under my weight, wild rats chasing away at the sound. The ironically dead 'living' room was cluttered. Partially burnt furniture, broken pieces of window glass and logs from the collapsed ceiling added to the decor. What would I find here? What story was I going to write? I wondered. What had happened here? I had to switch to the facts. The police had reported two bodies that were retrieved from the site, one of a man probably in mid 40's and that of an old lady in her 80's. They were identified as Mrs. Garners and Mr. Anton Garners, her son. 

Mr. Garners had died several years ago in a car accident a little away from the house. The fire in the house was notified by a neighbor who later left the place 2 weeks after the incident. There was no clue about his whereabouts. Not many lived in this part of town and the Garners' incident had discouraged real estate to these parts recently. I walked up the staircase, holding on the feeble hand railing to support my weight on the stairs. Some of the stairs broke sinking my leg into them. Slowly, I managed to climb to the first floor somehow. 

The first room had the whole ceiling fallen in. The rain outside had not stopped, but the fresh air and moonlight were a welcome relief. Something was gleaming on the blackened wall as I pointed my flashlight at it. Gingerly, I wiped the soot off it to find a mirror. Suddenly, I flinched and took a few steps back as I found someone looking at me from the mirror. Almost tripping over the clutter, I looked again to find that there was a picture of a girl right across the room, opposite to the mirror. Catching my breath, I walked closer to the portrait. Surprisingly, the portrait had not sustained any damage. It was a picture of a girl in her mid-twenties, her hair dropping onto her shoulders and her eyes with a sense of pain in them, like they had something to say to me. There was a small sign below it that said "Happy Birthday to me, Sarah". Sarah? Who was she? There was no police record of finding her body. A hundred questions popped up in my mind. I recorded a description of the house, the room and about Sarah on my voice recorder. I decided that she would be the character of my story, I would tell this story through her. 

I searched her room for anything that said about who she was. I pulled out logs and roof tiles to find an iron box under her bed. Wrenching it out of the debris with all my might, I opened it to find clothes, a make-up set and a hand mirror in it. There was a little diary at the bottom that had "Faith" etched over it. There was a miniature portrait of her that had her signature "Sarah Sanders" behind it. She was beautiful. The pages in the diary only had her writing as "I was beaten today. I have no one to tell", which was repeated again on most of the days. Some pages were blank and some were bloodied, probably because she was hurt. I needed to know who she was and who was doing this to her. Could it be the inmates of the house? I clicked photos of what I could see. Searching the rest of the rooms had not revealed anything relevant. 

I sat down at my office table the next day, tired, trying to figure out what had happened. I played my tape several times to go through the facts again but that seemed futile. My voice seemed to have gone dull in some points of the recording and replaced by some kind of buzzing sound. I could not figure out what the noise was, probably an issue with the recorder. The police records on a girl named Sarah Sanders turned out to be null. I did background checks on Anton and Mrs. Garners but that returned nothing except that they were into farming and they occasionally visited the town hospital for Mrs. Garners' arthritis. Mr. Garners' accident several years ago happened at the same divider that I had collided against last night. The car I was in was wrecked pretty bad. I was simply lucky to be alive. 

Sarah became an obsession with me all day. I found myself thinking of her and searching on the internet to read about her. Later that night, I lay in bed, only to feel faint bruises on the sides of my arm below the shoulder. I got up to check myself in the mirror and was shocked to find hand imprints! I recounted the events of the previous night. I had a faint remembrance of being held tightly from the sides during my accident, as if someone was in my car behind me at that time. No! This didn't make any sense! I just had to be imagining things!

 Sleep was instant, my body drifted off as if in a dream. When I woke it was still late at night but I felt fresh. Sitting at the table, I checked the scars on my arms but they were gone. Ha! I was imagining. I tried to relax, listened to music but that didn't get my mind off Sarah. I plugged in a pair of earphones to listen to my recording of the previous night and along with that flipped the photographs that I took, one by one from each room. The buzzing sound that I heard was there again. I increased the volume to concentrate on it. "Chur" I suddenly heard a voice say. I plugged out the earphones to make sure I was alone. The more I listened to it, the more I heard the word, "Chur" and a slight whistle at the end of it... I didn't believe in ghosts or spirits. But I'm sure someone was saying something to me while I was there. 

I went back to the dilapidated remains of the Garners. The sky was clear from her room. I stood by the window, looking into the nothingness ahead. A gleam of light glistened somewhere far. It was strange. I did not know there were anyone who lived in the vicinity. I walked towards the light. The street was empty and dark but the light grew brighter. 'Chur'... I kept turning it my mind to think what this could be. The bitter cold sent occasional chill down my spine, my legs numbing... 

 Finally! The voice was trying to say "Church". Though I was trying hard to catch my breath, I couldn't help smiling as I looked up at the light from the church. The Church had been old with an adjacent graveyard. I was surprised how this didn't show up in any of the records. I walked in to see the father. The door creaked as if it wasn't opened in a long time. Large lamps overhead cast shadows from the benches below. "Father" I called out as my voice echoed throughout the church. The Father was silent and walked to the center of the hall, where I stood. "Yes, my child. I know why you have come". His deep voice echoing along the hallway. 

It didn't seem intelligible to me to ask him how he knew. This whole incident felt like it was being string pulled from heaven. The father led me to a grave stone, that said, "SARAH SANDERS" 1973 - 1999. She was married to Anton Garner, in this very same Parish. The father recounted, her daily confessions to him of being beaten and abused by her husband, the bruises on her hands from being tied up and assaulted. The husband believed "she was a sin and must be kept in chains".

We walked back to the Garner's house where the father revealed a chamber in the basement which had not taken any damage. There were beds with sheets covered in blood and shackles that were there to hold the victim. There were blood stained tools that could inflict pain. I felt I could hear Sarah's screams. I felt weak. "Why didn't you tell the cops or someone?" The father was silent. He walked into another chamber as I followed him. I felt something hard against the back of my head and fell to the ground. I could see blood trailing as he dragged me out of the chamber. The father removed his Cassock, revealing himself to be Anton Garners. "I inherited this when I killed father Gonzalez. She kept telling him everything. It had to be done. " he said, referring to the Cassock. ” Then I set the house on fire with him and mother in it" he said, chuckling in a half wheeze. 

Trying frantically to get up, I threw a pair of shackles at him. Grunting, he lunged at me but a chandelier hanging off the roof fell upon him. I gathered all my might to crawl to the door, which shut itself as I got out. I could hear him banging at the door as I tried to get as far from the house as possible. There was the sound of something crashing and I remembered no more.

I woke up in the morning, flinching on finding someone near me. "Relax. It's a paramedic" my editor said from beside me. "What happened?" He asked. I was too dazed to think. "You were lucky. The floor collapsed into a hidden underground chamber which we did not see before." Said a police officer. "Besides, what were you doing here? We got a call from someone late at night saying there was something goin' on here" 

A week later, I visited Sarah's grave. I lay a few flowers on her grave along with her diary she named "Faith". Later that day, I typed the first draft of the story that I wanted to name as "Sarah". It was more of a revelation than a story. This was no longer something I was doing for my reputation. It was a tribute to Sarah for the pain and hardships she endured in her life. I reflected on how Sarah changed the person I was. I never believed in souls, or the afterlife but more than anything I knew she had saved my life. I had realized later on, there was a presence that night in the car wreck. It could have been her... Maybe she chose me to tell her story...

"May Sarah rest in peace and be gifted a better life after reincarnation." I stopped typing, closing my eyes, wishing I could get to see her someday. Someone knocked at the door. Stretching and yawning in the chair, I got up to get the door. The late afternoon sun gleamed outside the house. There was no sign of anyone in the near vicinity. Considering that I would have just imagined it after all the ordeal I had been through, I walked back to my room and to the computer.

I was freaked and couldn't believe my eyes when I looked at the screen. I looked around the room frantically but found no one. There, below the conclusion of my story, someone had typed in: 

"Some things you just have to take on faith"

Just for a moment...

I just wish for one more day... Just one more moment...

To say the things that I couldn't because I still need to learn to forget how to love you. I still need to forget how your shoulders would cradle my head, how I could feel the beating of your heart against my chest. I need to remember to forget your smile, the sweet scent of your hair, the funny expressions in your eyes...

I need to forget that first kiss, in the moonlit street, those warm arms wrapped around me. I need to know that I don't need to fight anymore, I don't need to pretend or hide anymore, because you are there. I need to fall asleep once more, knowing that there you are beside me, breathing love. I need to forget how I let go, unwillingly, thrashing every bit of my heart.

I just wish for one more day. One more moment, to undo everything, to say goodbye to you again and to turn back time from then on... Undoing the times we've fought, the times I've made you cry, reliving our blessed and lovingly intimate moments... To know what it was like to wake up in your arms... To go back to the moment I first met you, to fall in love with you all over again...

Just one more moment... A moment called lifetime...

25 things I've learned from Relationships...

1. There is no sense in mourning for something all your life. Just think of it this way, whatever you loved and ended up losing, was lost before you had the chance to see it become something else that you wouldn't love anymore. Move on. Respect it and let it remain a memory, not a shadow!
2. The world is not about just 'you'. There are a lot of other things in it. Other people's feelings included.  But it's also true that if you don't take care of yourself, no one else will! You need a balance. 
3. Most girls only need to be listened to. Your opinion is rarely ever required. If you opine, you're mostly in trouble. Why? Try this. Fill the blank with yes or no.  ____ I am a fool. 
4. There is no love at first sight. No, not up for debate. Love is about understanding and acceptance, neither of which exist at first sight. 
5. A rebound is always a rebound. Sooner or later either of you will realize that you two hooked up to replace your past breakups. What's following the realization is being total strangers. 
6. If a girl tells you that she doesn't believe in love or she hates love, she's just had a big breakup. If a guy says so, the odds are that he's interested in you but needs you to push. Look into their eyes! 
7. If persistence is working, she'll give you the signs early on and trust me, you will know. If not, you have been quarantined & friend zoned. Do not waste your time. Good Afternoon!
8. Nobody cares much about you unless they really have some feelings for you or you care for them or both!
9. Sympathy and pity might help in winning a girl over. But then, you aren't a real man!
10. Never judge a woman by what she wears. No, just don't. She is beautiful, no matter how ugly she looks. But that's no hard & fast rule!
11. Do not take people for granted. They have feelings too! 
12. If she truly appreciates & cherishes something simple for a gift, marry her!
13. Guys, never tell a girl she's being a bitch. When she cools down she'll come to you herself and say, "Honey, I've been such a bitch to you. I'm sorry". Savor the moment. 
14. Sometimes it happens that people share a large chunk of their sorrows with you, but later on, this makes you a part of the past that they are trying to forget. They slowly tend to push you away since you know too much about them and that makes them uncomfortable in some way. Move on, give them the space they deserve. They will always remember you. 
15. If someone you haven't met or don't usually cross paths with, likes confiding in you, it's not always because of affection or trust. Some people feel comfortable sharing things with a stranger, because they know you can in no way affect their lives or maybe gain your acceptance since you don't know the whole story.  
16. Love is like an investment. There's always expectations connected with it. It's normal since everyone has needs and nobody is Jesus. 
17. There is always a need for space, no matter how much you love each other. 
18. If he / she cannot fight for you, they don't deserve you. 
19. If someone marks you as an option, nothing you do can change that. Commitment is when someone accepts you for who you are, not because you are better than contestant 2. 
20. If someone says they miss you even when you're near them, it just means that everything is not the way it used to be. Something's wrong.
21. Everybody deserves a second chance. But only if they truly repent. And there's no sure way of knowing if they do! :) "Something's change while something's never do." ~ Morpheus 
22. Whenever you need someone badly in your life, stop to think whether it is because they had a place that you could give no one else, or because they simply filled a void in your life. In the latter case, work on yourself. In the former, give it time.  
23. Remember that brooding over someone who you broke up with, causes you to subconsciously place them at a higher position in your heart than what they once occupied. You will tend to see only the good in them and blame yourself for what went wrong, lowering your self esteem and slowing down your healing process. In the words of Arnold Schwarzenegger in terminator 3, "Don't do that!"
24. Never judge or make conclusions about people. Only make inferences. Inferences can be changed, conclusions cannot. It's human tendency. 
25. The truth in loving someone lies in having to let go... There is no love in holding people back from what they want. What's yours will always come back to you. 

Last of all, I read the following quote somewhere the other day, not sure who it's written by, but it's perfect... 

"Try not to confuse attachment with love. Attachment is about fear and dependency, and has more to do with love of self than love of another. Love without attachment is the purest love because it isn't about what others can give you because you’re empty. It is about what you can give others because you’re already full." ~Anonymous

Pursuit of Happ'y'ness

There is life between these shimmers they say, the glowing embers of happiness and the brimming sense of gloom. I've been there, spent a long time savoring the little victories, sobbing the horrific losses, quenching my thirst in the unfathomable sea of love. Wait? What am I saying?

If that didn't make sense, let me get down to do some more light hearted jabbering! Once, my friend and I sat watching 'Kung Fu Panda' on the night before an exam. It gave me some amazing points to reflect at life. Like life being a present (gift) and there are no accidents, everything is how it is meant to be and blah blah! :P I could tell you, I have never been that happy in days then on. Not coz the exam went disastrous but well, now even years later, working in a good company doesn't give me that happiness I had in college years. I have a lot more things than I had back then. Yes, things produce an environment conducive of happiness, there's no denying that. And I wouldn't be half as happy now if I didn't have all the new stuff. I hope this is making sense! :D I simply can't live without my phone, ipod or gamer pc.There's a lot more in life now, like five stars, luxurious airports, malls to buy stuff from (previously window shopping), new clothes for every occasion and beautiful gadgets (need them or not).

Though I fancy and absolutely love the things I just mentioned, and God forbid that I would have to leave them someday (save for death, which we all do), there is always a contrast from what used to be and what's now. Like food at the restaurant near college. It was never all that great, for I have tasted better. But the difference was only the impression it made back then. Then waiting for the train at the station with a song blaring from the nearby tea stall. People flooding the station like bees in a swamp. It carried us home every weekend and nothing brings back that feeling anymore. Staying in the hostel with friends, simply made anything a reason to celebrate. Waking up in the room next morning for class and finding everyone else still sleeping around you was so consoling. Fighting for the window to look at the hot junior walking into the building, pardon me, I still ogle discretely if I get a chance, but somehow, I feel the fun was about the fighting and not really the girl. And somehow, I have lost my liking for a lot of things. I can no longer enjoy finger dipped tea. Even though at one point, it had become so much of a routine that I used to console myself that "the chai waala would have washed his hands. He only makes chai doesn't he?" I do not wish to think what else he does with his hands :P

Also, along the years were some beautiful things. The first time taking your crush on your bike, the first kiss by the empty courtyard in the rain, suddenly start attending classes because you get to see her and finally the heartthrob when she inevitably walked off with someone else someday (except for the nerds, everyone else I know had a story like this). What's changed now? I still have my friends. I still roam about ogling, I still catch up with them at KFC instead of Shukoor's shop near college, I still run about and dance like crazy when it rains... Just that, It was all 'enough' at that point. Our expectations were less, our life was just more... Now it's simply gone the other way round. And here, I am, asking myself, "what's new?"

Like most people I know, I'm pushing a 14 hour routine. I watch them rush, complain, crib, cry, try and make more money, buy more gadgets, decorate homes with the comfy furniture. But simply, life has gone timeless, breathless and simply, less. I'm not going to tell you to go watch the sunrise while you can snore away to glory on a weekend. But, I still remember how good it was to ride with my friend on the bike to his stunt practice ground early in the morning at 5. The foggy picture we took that day is still a memento in my fb account.

Flashback aside, with all the complexity of today's life, there is simply more at every corner that gives you happiness, if you look hard enough.  And mostly, all of them come for 'free'. Yep, the word free usually brings a smile on our face, but that's not what I'm talking about. I drive to work every day even though it's in a walk-able distance (yep, lazy). and every single day, the place I park my car has a truck guy pulled up beside it unloading groceries to the nearest shop. I just can't take my car out! There have been times that we have argued and I'm sure we both mutter under our breaths about each other. Just this one weekend, I was just going to get some groceries, but he thought I wanted to take the car. I was in a good mood and smiled at him and waved indicating that I wasn't going to. It kinda made me happier for a while that day and simply every morning afterwards we smile & wave at each other and he moves his truck away so I can take my car. I don't know him, but there's some happiness watching someone smile because of you.

Back a few days, I was out on a helping spree. I gave a poor guy a hand with the tire iron trying to loosen his flat tire. (No, I didn't blast open his skull with the tire iron :) - I'm clarifying coz I just had a feeling you might think that). I managed to help him  and the guy shook hands with me and said "strong man". Well, it wasn't about the compliment. :) But you know, I have felt happy this way, innumerable times, doing little something's like stopping the car to let an old uncle cross the road, giving another vehicle a side amidst the traffic so that he can get into the lane, helping someone jump start his car early morning, saying "It's gonna be alright" to a random stranger who is seated by the park crying to herself (yes I tried this and she only smiled - do not use this as an opportunity to flirt!), waving to a little kid who sat bored in the backseat of a car, and even giving half of my shawarma to a hungry looking cat... :) Hehe

A lot of the people (& the cat) I mentioned are those who did not know me and who I probably will never get to know either. But it felt good to have them smile over something I did. It felt good to have them remember something about me for a split second and probably in later days when someone else treated them like I did.

Well I'm not saying this will give you or me ultimate happiness. But maybe, what you did today for someone might just come back as a big favor to you someday. Just think of it this way, We do a lot to put our today's and tomorrow's in luxury. We pay a lot to bribe hearts to love us.We do a million things that don't matter to impress and get accepted. But maybe, it's the little things that matter in the brevity of life. Maybe it's just worthier to leave something to remember you by, even if it is as effervescent as a bubble. 

After all, in the end, life is nothing but just a memory. Happy happiness to you! :) 

Untarnished - From the lady's heart...

And she remembers...

"I don't want to be a drama queen, you really know I'm not into that stuff. But things you did always motivated me, always made me smile when I was hurt. Remember the first time you just sat beside me and I was crying in class? You just put your arms around my shoulder. You didn't ask me what I was sad about, you knew that would make me cry more. You just sat there while I sobbed. It was a cold winter day and I was shivering. You told me it was going to be OK. Told me that you believed in me. And you left me your jacket and told me to sit alone for a while. I still have that jacket. I guess you forgot and I never wanted to give it back.

You took those seminars in class, I wasn't listening. I was looking at you. Most of the days, you were absent from class and I didn't always get to see you. You were always lazy, so I submitted some of your assignments, I signed your attendance. You never knew. You were just busy making everyone smile and happy. The day your best friend back stabbed you, I was there, watching those tears in your eyes while you wouldn't let them fall. When you fell off your bike one day and hurt yourself, I sat beside you in the hospital till you woke up, I hid myself away among the other friends and my voice was drowned behind their hearty hugs. When you wouldn't close that window next to your bench when it started to rain, because you loved the feeling of the cold summer rain against your face, I sat at the other corner of the lecture hall, feeling the rain in your heart. When you would walk along those corridors, I would know from the scent of the perfume you would wear, though I never really liked that perfume.

When everyone hung on to the arms of their lovers when going home on weekends, I watched you kick a little Pepsi can in the rain, all the way from class till your bike. Among all those colorful umbrella's and blend of uniforms, you couldn't spot me when you looked back. I waved at you when I was leaving in the bus, you ran behind the bus like I always hoped you would do for me, but then I blushed when it was to simply hand over a book to a friend. I would listen to the rhythm of the back bench guys beating on the benches in between class hours. I knew you were always the one who didn't have a tune to beat to and it would be irritatingly distinct. I remember the songs they sung and the one's you loved humming. I hung out with you, sat beside you on that college tour we had. When you slept your head found it's niche on my shoulder. I did cry when everyone made fun of us and I still have the photo they took of us. I remember how someone jokingly dared you to propose to me on stage on our college foundation day. I still remember the thorn on the stem of the rose you held in your mouth had cut your tongue. It was a painful proposal for you. I tried not to laugh, I tried not to cry, I tried not to blush. But you were boring anyway.

I watched you sing for our farewell but never told you how wonderful it was. I still remember the last day when everyone were signing on each other's shirts. I had this new dress and wouldn't let anyone sign on it. But I let you sign when you asked with a cute frown on your brow and you drew a big heart and wrote Captain Jack Sparrow's favorite dialog to Elizabeth Swan: "It would never have worked between us, darling" I knew you were a movie buff, but somehow the words' seemed right. I have loved you, over the years. I have enjoyed how you wouldn't ever eye me or touch me wrong. I loved the respect you gave me. I loved the hug you gave me before we all parted. It still lingers around me... I scribbled on your shirt that I hated you and wished you would know what I meant. I wanted to kick you when you signed lady Laura's dress with "Will you marry me?" but I knew you'd never liked her all that much except that she looked too good. Maybe I won't find that 'you' in years to come. I may not have been that 'her' that you have always wanted. I just wanted you to know that you were my everything and you will always be...

"But it would never have worked between us darling...." "

Letting Go...

"We create our own demons..." 
"Who said that? What does that even mean? Doesn't matter..."  ~ Iron Man

Often, we love to blame someone for our own mistakes. "I didn't do this" because of someone. The only choice we have, to put it a little differently, is to blame our past self's for it. "I didn't do this because of who I was." But often, even that doesn't change anything. You say that it was your past, but it's still a place from where you haven't walked off yet. And believe me, you just can't accept that you haven't.

Soon, the sense of Deja Vu makes you mumble, "Why am I here again?" when you walk past your coagulated and convoluted yesterday. It works the same way, be it pain or hollowed complacence that you have buried in those pages. 

You did this to yourself. When life gave you a million reasons to walk on, but you just held on for years for a miracle to happen.  You refused to believe when time showed you that it could change anything. That nothing ever lasted forever. That no matter how long you spend trying to climb out of the mess that you were in, you could still fall back in an instant. Something that you believed to have conquered. And someone just called in, to tell you that what you believed true for a lifetime was just a big lie. 

A million turns to the path that you are on, a number they call your 'age' frantically ticking toward the other side of life, and memories tucked away in your pockets that you have no new space for new;  letting go has never been easy. There was rain, always glistening and gnawing away at the deeply seated scars. Scars do fade and wounds do heal, if you let it. 

Simply, the only shackles that hold you back are the ones in your mind.

Simply, "We create our own demons..."

Faint Memories

At an hour plaintive and bare;
I lay before an open window;
Blessed a breeze blew along;
And yet, the night fell into silence.

The melancholy soul of an old friend came unto me;
And spoke upon voice so shrill;
With wordless words I could not perceive;
And sadness that I could not relieve.

Years and years of memories;
Moments of laughter and tears;
Like fading ripples and smithereens,
Broken hearts, love and fears.

And still, a fainter shadow;
She looked upon my friendless soul;
Like a sailor of the lost without a heading,
Cold, broken and dreading...

A drizzle lead to the accent of dawn;
Shivering her to the brightening of the lawn;
All was left, to the shadow I could see;
I whispered the words, "Remember Me."

Rise & Fall

The clouds parted. I was back where I started.

The journey was enchanting as ever. A backpack added extra effort for my knees. The roads seemed stretched out to eternity, while life threatened me of brevity. Steam seemed to rise from the cracks in the roads, the earth a thirsty stretch of scarred asphalt.

I had places to go, people to meet, things to do. People seemed to pass by me, with likely smiles of courtesy. Sometimes a word or two we exchanged in this map-less paradise. Some stayed for a while, with vivid promises. Bagged I, some of these sweet moments, in life's camera. The reminisces made me smile, like shimmers in a pond, the image shifting as I changed with it.

The heat of the day followed the cold of the night. Glimmers of memories lightened the path, like the occasional lightning, bright and evanescent. The stars gleamed from up above, effervescent as ever. They moved, they glittered, they vanished.  Moving on was an inevitable effect, brevity an anticipated cause....

I made friends, shook hands with my fellow comrades in this race. We partied, rejoiced, danced, loved and yet fate engraved a destiny for each of us, the many pairs of feet invariably separated to one. The gushing wind was like a parting torment, the clouds roared along in a monotonous cacophony, home was a memory nowhere to be seen. 'It'll pass' they all said as they parted.

Bereaved, holding back those moments where we loved, memories of the nectar at the lips of the loved one's we kissed, love left in the heart from those we embraced, fighting on in the vicious circle of life, the days unfolded. The rain washed away the torment, calming & consoling like time's most merciful tricks. The burning in the soul dampened and diminished like under a spell, in a false sense of comfort, in deceit of life's paradise.

Weeks, months and years later, they were all there, at a travelers' tree, waving in unison.  It held the warmth of finding something you were searching for at one point; yet something that you have learned to live without.

The clouds parted. I was back where we started. 

Our enchanting roles reprised in this imminent rise and fall...

Being and Nothingness

There was a glow in her eyes as she walked by. I noticed as I ran along other pedestrians to look at her pretty eyes. The sky was a murky shade of blue and safron. The sun cast a amiable shade on to her, blending her into the dusk. . She was so beautiful. I had a feeling that even the sun liked her, as I walked on in the warmth of her shadow.

There was a sudden screech that blurred the sanctity of this perfect world. We fell to a corner of the street. It had been a hit and run...When my eyes slid into focus I noticed her walking away. People huddled around and I lost sight of her amongst the milling crowd.

I didn't know who she was… We were just two strangers at the crossing, together for a small window of coincidence. I couldn't let her go, for I might never meet her again. I ran up to her. There was grime on her face and her shoulder where she had fallen,  but she didn't seem to bother. Ambulances blared behind us, as they carried the hurt one’s to the nearby hospital. Apparently a motorist hadn't managed to stop at the right time.

“That was close”, I said to her, trying to spark up a conversation. It was cold and her face seemed pale. There were tears in her eyes, returning the color to her face, as they rode down her cheeks. She didn't say anything but sadly looked at the ground and walked on. She sat down on one of the benches in a nearby park, wiping her face in a velvetish cloth that she took from her bag. I sat down beside her but she ignored me, occasionally only looking at me when I was looking away. I knew this close accident had taken a toll on her, she needed her time.

I felt a strange connection, like I had known her for years in a past life or something, like my life had been blessed with her tender smiles all along. We went around the whole city, passing by shops doing window shopping, dodging people rushing along in their busy lives. It was cold, but we went to the sea shore. I sat beside the rocks while she threw stones at the sea, as if she was angry at it. After a while, I could tell she was tired. I gently held her hand as we walked back. I was glad she didn't mind.

It was late and time for her to go home and I had to be on my way too. I walked her to her place. She didn't say goodbye, she didn't smile. The door simply crashed against its frame and locks clicked into place. I sat outside her home on the staircase for a while, commemorating the moments of the day. I made plans on a conversation that I would have with her over coffee. There was a coffee shop just across the street. It was still open at this time of the night. 

The smell was welcoming. I didn't feel like having a coffee at this time, but sitting in the café thinking about her suddenly became my personal favorite. I was in love, I could feel it in my heartbeat. The lights in her room went off, I could see from the other corner of the street. I decided to go home and get some sleep.

The streets were almost empty at this hour. The moon shown its might against the dark asphalt as I hummed to myself on my way home. I noticed that the first editions of the early morning news paper were already out. I stood by the truck where they were unloading the stacks to a retailer. The front page held the news about the accident. The speeding motorist had crashed into the pedestrians. Several people were killed which included a young lady who had not been identified yet. It was weird that I didn't remember much about the accident, I had been too keen on following her.

I fell asleep on the couch almost as soon as I got home. When I woke up, it was almost afternoon. I rushed through the routine and grabbed something to wear from my wardrobe. Running all the way to her street and picking up flowers from a nearby store, I stood by the café waiting to cross to the other side. Nobody answered her door. I felt sad and angry at myself for being late.

A little while later, the door clicked. Someone elderly opened the door. His stern bloodshot eyes stared enquiringly "Hello", he said. I didn't even have her name to ask. “Sorry. I must have got the wrong door”, I blurted abruptly and left the building. Desperation seemed to seize me. I had to go back. I wanted to see her but I decided to come back in later.

 I sat at a table in the café, blankly staring at the newspaper. Something caught my eye. I turned to the page having the detailed report. Time seemed to have slowed down for me… Everything in the coffee shop seemed to pause, blurring out like being caught in a trance…

I was looking into her eyes as she walked by. The sky was a murky shade of blue and saffron  There was a glow in her eyes. She winked at the little children returning from school, she smiled at a little baby perching its face on its mother’s shoulder. Her hair swayed like a sweet lullaby, her slender arms cradled her little bag…

There was a screech, there was screaming and people crying. When my eyes slid into focus, I was on the ground and she was beside me, tending to me. There was a sharp pain in my head and my ears were ringing.  She tried to say something, I could see her lips but couldn't make out her voice, tears streaming from her pretty eyes. I held her hand but everything slid out of focus and I remembered no more…

The coffee shop suddenly slid back into my eyes. She was there, coincidentally sitting at my table in front of me, plaintively staring at the newspaper. The report held my name in the list of the demised… Her eyes were brimming with tears, as she gently wiped them in her velvet handkerchief. Her eyes lashes glistened as she closed her eyes, trying to steady herself.

She had finished her coffee and now got up to leave. I didn't try to say anything for I knew I wouldn't be heard. She couldn't see me or even know that I existed. I picked up the velvet cloth that she had left on the table. It held her sweet fragrance, moist with her tears.

The door opened and she disappeared into the blinding light ahead... 

I Waited...

I just wanted you to know that I waited...

I walked on to where we were once, as children, where the pearls of rain trapped in a cobweb was once beautiful to us; where the flowers tickled us as we walked beside them; where our footsteps echoed in the undergrowth... The reminisce of our little tree house was still there. You would always hide your favorite things in there, like pieces of metal and stones, like your little toe ring... I searched but didn't find anything but a silver spoon you had taken from my house... I always knew you had it, but you fought with me saying you didn't...

I went over to where you had your first fall. I still remember how you had cried over your hurt little finger. You wouldn't let me see it. You just cried...  The trees seemed to echo your sadness, the leaves whispered in unison to the wind, the day had suddenly seemed hot, flowers drooping as you wept...

I took you back home that day, as you clung to my back like my favorite school bag. You plucked flowers all along, occasionally bringing them close to my nose coz you found my sneezing to your amusement... We lay against the grass, looking up at the bright skies. And I promised you that someday I would come at night and take you to the terrace to see the stars...

I remember how we stood by the well at your house and threw stones into it, assuming it to be a wishing well and stones as coins. I remember how your mom chased us all around the house and how you got spanked and I cried for it...

I remember how you came home to hug me before you left; to somewhere below these hills and over the seas as dad explained to me that day. Years have passed and I don't know where you are. I only have a reminisce of your face and the smile you would give me with your half broken baby teeth.

I just wanted you to know that I waited... I waited every night on the terrace to show you the stars, I waited to grow bigger so that we didn't need a ladder to get up on the tree house. I waited so we would sit by the paddy fields and play. I waited for you to come home like you said you would...

I just wanted you to know that I'm still waiting...

Jaded

The shadows were vibrantly aghast, 

Latched together like tones of her voice,
Pacing in this lovely contrast,
Loud and jubilant, sweet and soft apart,
Yet painfully caught, they, in the chambers of my heart.

Striving yet, subdued beneath this emotion,
Dreams and love, curving like the ocean
Ponder I, How may I explain to thee,
How she shades my life with glee.

Ardently fought, yet love cannot be won,
“Nay”, life said, “not this one”.
Yet, wedged was I, in the spell of her smile,
Her touch, her arms and her hugs awhile.

Longed I, in this torment of hearts, shades of loneliness;
Like no other; would one covet to lose his way?
There was I, in this tint of jadedness,
To lose myself in her heart, but nay…

Memories drifted like a cloud’s blessed rain,
Golden, like beads of perspiration on her lip;
But caved in, those beautiful walls, and dreams broken again,
I realized, this was a one way trip…

Loved I, her smile, her giggles and even a plaintive note;
Beguiled in memories, in a life that someone else wrote…
In her gestures, emotions, tantrums and care,
Wandered I, with this love, lost unaware.

Rain

She loved to stand in the balcony of their flat. “It was a perfect blend of the view of nature and the modern world” she’d say to him. They were seventeen floors up in the sky and the street and cars below looked like toys. She would stay there every evening, looking out into the sunset. She could see the beach from here, people and children moving around like tiny ants and the tired and thirsty sun drowning itself into the depths of the sea. She would occasionally make sounds like “vrooomm vrooomm” like a small child, saying she could reach out and grab those cars and roll them down the street...


She’d been married to him since a year. It was difficult being forced for marriage by her parents, when she was already in love with someone else. She felt stifled everyday of her life in the flat, lost in memories of her past. Her days faded to nothingness like the hot burning asphalt, floors beneath her flat. Her dreams were shattered. She knew he cared for her, that he’d do anything for her, but she felt captive now. She’d gone on to doing silly but crazy things, trying to regain her playful self. She’d go play with the little children in the beach, she’d get wet in the rain when everyone else ran for shelter, she’d stolen ice creams from the ice-cream guy on the beach because he always behaved rudely with children…And she’d even snatch things from people like she was crazy and make them run after her for fun.

He’d never scream at her for the complaints their neighbors had, for the entire racket she made. He loved her for she was the light of his life. He knew she was not happy with life. Her dreams and her career were taken from her. She loved him, he knew, but that was not enough. But she’d never give him a minute to talk to her. She would always be around with children or she would be engrossed in watching TV, she would not hear what he wanted to say. It’s just that she didn’t want to listen. It wasn’t his fault that her life was like this and she never wanted to hear him apologize for it.


He hugged her every night telling her he loved her so much. Somehow this love wasn’t reaching her. There was a line of pain in her heart that she could not cross. She would never look into his eyes. Her lips would seem unresponsive when he would kiss her. Though he knew she wouldn’t like it, he always wanted to give her a peck on her lips to tell her how much he loved her. He would carry her to the balcony every morning so that she could see the lovely sky and her favorite beach when she’d open her eyes. On some days, she would wake early, and yet wait for him to wake up so that he would carry her..


It was late in the evening, when he got home after work that day. She still stood in the balcony, leaning against the wall beside her and looking out into the sky. The cool breeze blew the curtains gently away from the door. Her hair drifted behind her, caressing itself in the breeze. The scent of the breeze accented the rain, and that of her hair was priceless. She hadn’t noticed that he had come in. She seemed to have been upset and crying. Her cheek glistened in the low light, with tears.

He inched close to her, putting his arms around her waist, hugging her from behind, resting his chin against her shoulder. She tried to smile, but couldn’t help sobbing. It started to rain and her sobs were drowned under the sound. He held her silently, closing his eyes and filling his heart with the smell of her hair. “I want to fly out into the sunset one day, free as a bird…” She said to him. He smiled, telling her that she will. He handed her a small envelope that had her name on it. “It means I’ll miss you for 3 years. Three years is a long time for me, but not for your dreams. Go on, open it”


She hadn’t quite understood what he meant. Opening the envelope she couldn’t believe her eyes. He’d got her admission for journalism in a renowned university. She turned around. Too weak to say anything, she looked into his eyes. She had never told him that she wanted a career in journalism. He smiled warmly at her like the welcome home smile he gave her on the day they were married.


“I just want you to be happy sweetheart. You just never told me what you needed.” He said in a whisper, half clear, half broken.


She hugged him tight, tears streaming from her eyes yet laughing because of the sudden weight that was lifted off her chest. “Carry me out into the rain”, she said. Holding her tight, he carried her out of the building. She looked into his eyes, noticing the love that he had for her. He stood on the pavement holding her in his arms. He couldn’t help laughing at the prospect of standing in an empty street, getting wet in the rain like little children. She knew he’d miss her and his tears now blended with the rain. She realized how she was prejudiced about freedom in married life and that she had never been happier like she was now. She looked into his eyes, telling him that she loved him… He could only gesture what he felt. The moon shown from amidst the clouds, as they sat on the pavement talking and quarrelling, making fun of each other, drenched in the rain…


Days passed by and he missed her. But every time he spoke to her on the phone, he felt happy. She had been out there chasing her dreams, living her life and that’s what he wanted. Her presence still lingered there. The pillow held the smell of her hair. The balcony seemed a lonely place to be without her, yet the curtains held her fragrance like she was a flower.


He stood there one late afternoon, looking at the sky. The colors began to waver. The wind seemed to howl as the waves hit higher against the rocks at the beach. He felt the essence of déjà vu, seeing everyone in the beach run for shelter and people quickening their steps on the street down below. The wind grew colder and it started to rain. He felt elated, tender, like the touch of her wet skin when he would embrace her. He missed her and the rain seemed to know he did. The lightning across the sky occasionally plunged him into light, like a reminder that she was there...


Closing his eyes, his lips curving into a smile, he whispered to himself… “She likes rain…”

Morbid Paradise

The breeze was exhilarating, the sky an envisioned blur of tranquility, like the next best thing to peace... The world was out of joint, silence hiding in the corners amongst caverns of darkness, waiting to pounce. Large swarms of steam rose from the sewers, like all of hell was beneath them. There were no zooming wonders in this world, that they called the paradise. Only that you spent the best years of your life, getting here.

Leaves crunched under my feet as I trod on, no one would hear the plea of the silent. People passed by, their faces a blur in the dusk, rather were they black hooded creatures and souls of aghast emptiness...  Yet busy, rather preoccupied, their shadows chased them along this race called life. The heat rose from the crevices on the road, like dark pain from scars, too deep to fathom.

No one complained. Trees swayed in the wind, embers of the sun extinguished in the heart of the ocean, a faint moon shown from amidst the clouds, cars screeched and honked and moved on, street lamps faintly glowed from the shades of motionless dust... No one complained. It did not matter that you were lost or if you didn't feel anything, for you had to imbibe the spirit of hollowness soon.

Lulled in a constant state of enchantment, they moved on, the crowd of hollow men in a world they called paradise. Ignorance practiced for a daily routine, stable yet, busy and engulfed in work life, bleak and desolate.

The wind blew along small bits of paper and fallen leaves at its mercy, luring them into vivid circles, thrashing them against walls or lifting them up and letting go. Little drops fell from the sky, shy like someone who has long forgotten to cry. The hooded creatures quickened their steps, the gravel rising from beneath their feet as they ran. Rain was a welcomed relief.

Large drops pelted upon the pain that always rose around me. It's embers caught in an ambush. Like the leaves that now spoke against the wind and refused to budge. Memories, I gripped them tight in this labyrinth. They let the shadows feel lighter, the scars fainter yet the darkness grew deeper.

Everything seemed perfect, as long shadows loomed in  life's limelight, the crevices in the road filled with the blackness of the night... The city hungered for life and yet lifelessness would suffice, for the souls, lost in this morbid paradise...

With Her....

She smiled a couple of times in her sleep. Though her eyes were wet, her beautiful eye lashes twinkling in the low lit room. The room was unusually warm when she was there. Garlands of time loomed large ahead; we had this whole night together. We had moved around the city on New Year’s Eve, walking hand in hand… The winter chill could not dull our hearts of warmth. Every time I looked into her eyes, it was like falling in love all over again. We sang songs, we didn’t know the lyrics, but the words always fell into place when we were together. There was love in the air too, a faint drizzle accenting the winter night frenzy.

Couples zoomed past us. Everyone rushed to clubs and discotheque’s to welcome the New Year. We sat by the beach, mesmerized by the sound of the crashing waves. Somehow, even the sea was in celebration. The moon shown its melancholy shade and stars winked at us. A disjoint cluster of light in the sky had added meaning to our lives. Nature had been so beautiful, like her, like her eyes. We could hear voices from the distance. Children laughing and dancing, mom’s warning their kids not to go to the sea, the occasional cry of a seabird; blending into the occasional silence.

We lay silent, neither of us had anything to say. I turned toward her, slowly pulling her into a heart -warming embrace. There were only a few minutes to midnight. She was my life. I wanted to be with her, today and every day of every year in every life I had in this world. I put hand beneath her coat. She gave me a nudge trying to tell me we were outside and people could see us. Moving my hand around her waist, I slowly reached into her breast-pocket, taking something I had put in there. She couldn’t help blushing in glee and surprise when she saw the ring, she hadn’t known that I had slipped it in there when I hugged her.

Smiling warmly into her eyes, I asked her, “My princess, will you marry me?” Her cheeks had rushed to crimson red, her eyes were a swell of emotions. She couldn’t say anything. She swallowed, trying to take a deep breath. Tears glistened along her face, but her smile was there. “I will” She whispered. I slowly slipped the ring onto her finger. A million firecrackers burst from a distance, sending flairs into the sky. Like mini rockets zooming up in the sky, they lingered but for a minute or so, yet their colors so vibrant, like her heart that was ready to break its chamber and be with me. It was like the whole world was celebrating us. We hugged, kissed and lay down in each other arms, watching the fireworks, deep embossed in the sky was a “HAPPY NEW YEAR 2012” etched in golden and shades of violet and blue. This was our moment, this was our life.

                The blaring music from far away seemed to subside after an hour. The beach was restored to its quietness. It had been late, we had to go home. I held her hand as we walked back. There were still people on the streets bursting firecrackers and dancing to their own songs. They all screamed New Year wishes to the passersby…

                We were home. I kept playing with her as she sat by the computer, reading email wishes and replying to everyone. I carried her to bed when she was done, kissing her lips. We lay in each other’s arms, telling each other how special the day was. Unknowingly, we fell asleep. The room was unusually warm when she was there. But only I knew, it was just the warmth in my heart, when I thought of her. She wasn’t beside me, but I could feel her, her arms wrapped around me, her soft breathing against my face, her innocent occasional smiles. She was mine for a life-time, but eternity was like just an hour with her. Could I bargain for more time someday, I didn’t know. Would I lose the light of my life someday, I didn’t know. But I was lost, lost in this dreamy world called love.

                I woke to a knock at the door. What was so clear in the dream didn’t make sense anymore. It was New Year’s morning. The room was cold. But she’d kept me warm all night. She’d held me all night. She’d been there. Hadn’t she…?